National press corps gets briefing on Virginia Beach's new song

[Substitute for Ari Fleisher conducting the morning White House Press briefing and Q&As]

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to conduct the morning briefing for the White House press corps today:

Everyone has a good laugh!

After a brief opening statement, I will take a few of your normally obnoxious, cynical questions. (Laughter).

First, I want to announce the City of Virginia Breach (all transcripts have to have requisite misspellings) has published its 'own' song to promote itself and the Department of Economic Development. (Snicker, snicker!) There were no federal funds involved in the production of the song and accompanying video.

Q:  Hey, Ron ...who wrote it?

A:  Shut up 'til I finish the statement, John.  

While some of us found it to be a catchy little ditty (but what the hell, we're hunkered down here 24/7 hiding from terrorists), others found it a most horrible waste of public funds (behind of course the soured 6 or 9-star 31st Street hotel to be built with public funds and two convicts; the $4.5M Bonney Road Days Inn Hotel giveaway to a company headed by a man who left two previous public jobs under allegations of questionable sexual conduct conditions; a proposed $3M giveaway of tax funds to Councilman Louis Jones' friends and business associates for their swamped development at Lotus Creek; the Town Center project being built by a firm that was (maybe still is) under federal investigation, and others too numerous to mention)....

Q:  Are all the government officials down there crooks?  What'd it cost taxpayers?

A:  More than it is worth....I'll be finished in a sec.

A:  (contd.) But to some of us who are brain dead and frightened of shadows from over-flying seagulls here in the compound, it was an interesting little diversion. (Reporter:  So is that spot on your vest.  Laughter) 

Q:  Have any of the Silly Council members been engaging in extra martial sex?

A:  Hold 'em.  I'm almost finished.

The President and First Lady, however, do not plan to go to Virginia Breach to dedicate the ditty.  And no, there's no truth to the rumor he told the mayor to kiss his....?

Q:  Why?

A.  He didn't want to give her the pleasure, Betty.  Now for questions.  OK?  Questions?

Q:  Who did this?  Hornsby?  Doing another tax-deductible freebie?

A:  Rubin Cawley & Associates. 

Q:  Who? Rubin Cawley & Associates?  At taxpayers' expense?  How much?

A:  Over $20,000, Britt.

Q:  More than 20 grand?  For that crap?  

Q: Hey?  Didn't Rubin's company recently get a 'sweetheart' contract from the Department of Economic Development?

A:  Yes, Sarah.

Q:  Were there any other bidders or was it one of those deals where a couple others were allowed to bid and 'wink, wink' Rubin got it?

A:  Yes, but I'm not sure if it was one wink or two.

Q:  Is this the same little advertising geek who ran Mayor Oberndorf's political campaign?  Or was this a political payoff with public funds, disguised to further pad his pockets on top of the one or two wink contract?  Is he a political whore?

A:  Well, Sam, I wouldn't want to characterize the character of any those involved, but yes.

Q:  Hey, answer the original question:  Are any of those officials engaged in extra martial sex and other shenanigans like conflict of interest and stuff?

A:  Yeah, Helen, but apparently it isn't illegal in Virginia Beach.

Q:  Were any of those officials at the beach involved in an attempted rape or cocaine bust?

A:   Helen, we are still looking into that.  

Look guys, I have a photo shoot  in 5 minutes and I really have to shut this thing down.  I'm going to ask Rosemary (the one without the baby) to play this little CD for you. As you ditty bop your way out, don't forget to turn off the lights.

Q:  What's the name of the one who .....? 

A:  I told you we're lookin' into it (substitute press secretary begins exit stage right into hall).

Q:  Come on, one more....  

Q:  Are you going to tell us the name...?  Damn he's gone.  Next time.

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